At Least I'm not A Wuss
by Adja
Summary: Dick has a little obsession. A lash one. First half of season03, but they all live like in the begining of S02. Cassidy's fine every level. Dick, Logan, Cassidy. Mentions of Kendall and Mac.


I'm alone with Logan. Not that there's anything special about that. We're alone often. I just… can't get that fucking thought out of my fucked up brain. I. Am. Alone. With. Logan.  
Fuck, of course, dude, you're alone with him, you're almost every afternoon ! I get the feeling that I'm trying to tell myself something and that I'm fighting it so hard that my head feels like I'm hung-over. Which I'm not. Unfortunately.  
What ? You thought I couldn't think, huh ? Well, I whish I didn't, 'cause that's the contrary. Right now I think I do a bit too much. Logan is basking in the sun next to me and _fuck _all I can think about is that we're wet and our chests are slippery as hell.  
Shit, I've got a problem. I've got that… it's not a crush, is it ? I mean… I just.. I'm not even sure I want to touch Logan or kiss him. I'm just craving to know how it feels. Because, damn I'm sure I'd love that. _Dick, come on, boy… shake it.  
_Argh… _Shake it._ Why did I even think of that ?! It's like… a week ago. We were at that party and all fell into pieces. The music was loud, the booze was erm… free, and the company was cool enough. Hell, I was with Logan, my pal, my buddy, that's enough to cheer a guy up. I was trying to dance, but well… we were totally smashed and I was like… totally leaning against him, with no dirty thought is mind, but he just… grabbed my ass, full, flat hand and all, and yelled me to shake it, roaring with laughter.  
That's how it started. I like… jumped a mile and stared at him but he was just laughing. He probably doesn't even remember. But hell I do ! When I made it home I was horny as hell -yeah, what a shocker, I know- and I was sure Logan's hand had left a burning imprint on my ass cheek.  
I showered, and I… you know, did the thing, as usual. I usually don't have to picture a thing, you know... But then I couldn't get his face out of my head. I had to stop. I can't… It's not normal to jerk off thinking of your bff. Is it ?  
Anyway, right now I'm feeling torn in different directions, like… Half of me wants to run and hide because, dude, that sucks. Another just wants to beg Logan to touch me again.  
Another just wants to scream in frustration. I know, there's three halves of me. But, be cool, I'm thinking, I'm deep confused. I'm not writing an essay.  
Shit, am I turning emo ? Dah, Beav would be so proud of me right now ! I'm glancing nervously around and shit, thankful Logan has his eyes closed, because he would totally notice that. I could use a drink right now. … Or maybe not. What if I get drunk and hit on him ? Weh ! That's a nightmare. Not the… hitting on Logan thing, just the fact that.. well, he'd be there. So I'd be busted.  
Gee, if I didn't know that was completely wrong and I didn't feel so bad about what happened to Ronnie, by my fault, in some level, I'd totally use GHB on him. What ? I'm kidding ! Though that would be fun. But I hear the thing when that's his body and I don't have any right on it. Not that I'd do much, anyway, I guess.  
It's not like that I've got that much experience. I'm more used to be attracted to tits and such. I think I'm just messed up you know, I'm can't tell my feelings apart, that's all. Yeah, dude, I've got feelings. Like pain, sadness, happiness and all this stuff they make songs about. I've just been taught to hide them.  
To be honest I feel better that way, too. I don't know how to show to someone that I'm in pain or that I like them, without the violent urge to punch myself in the nose and calling myself a wuss or a fag. A fag. Poetic irony.  
So, what was I saying? Ah, yeah. Feelings mixing. Yeah, I do like Logan a lot. If you've known the same guy for almost ten years now, and you've always been friends and all... of course you feel for him. I think it's just that. I've got a short circuit in my brain somewhere. Maybe I should ask Beav's nerdy girlfriend to check me out- _check on me_…   
I huff, open an eye and look around. I wonder if Logan's asleep because his breathing is really even. And… that's odd, because usually if I was bored I wouldn't hesitate to kick the deckchair to shake him awake. Now I'm afraid to move because it might wake him up.  
I press my fingers painfully on my eyelids because _I just can't_ check Logan out while he sleeps- no ! I can't _ever_ do that. It's not the gay thing that bothering so much… It does, it's true. Damn it is… But I got over it. No.. But if Logan knew… I'm not sure what would happen.  
My guess. A) He'll punch me in the nose and play with my guts and a knife, preferably not that sharp. B) He'll leave no body behind thanks to Veronica and her Village People biker friend. C)… OMG, did I just do a Village People reference ?? Shit, I'm gay ! Wait, no. I can't be _that _gay. That's like… pornographic or something. Well, after all, I'm not the one who wears leather like it's a fucking a second skin.   
Whoa, did I just admit that I was gay ?  
Am I ?  
Well, yeah, Dick… at least today, dude. Look at you, you're all hot and bothered because Logan's _sleeping_ beside you. He's not doing a fucking thing, and you're all sweaty and your mouth is dry.  
I'm sure, deep inside, that thinking too much about that only makes things worse. Logan shifts, and a slight moan escapes his lips, and… _Dude !!_ I freeze because the only thing else I could do is race off faster than a lightening and yell at the top of my lungs. Fuck, like his hand wasn't enough. Now his fucking moan is going to haunt me for sodding ever !!  
I glance sideway and I know I shouldn't have, because he's looking at him with pouty lips, an eyebrow raised questioningly, because I'm not sharing my thoughts with him. Hell, no ! Damn he knows me. He reads me like a book usually. And I can't do anything but hope this time it's different.  
He frowns a little and stirs on the chair and fuck he moans again !! I have to think cool. Cold shower like…. Except that the only shower I can't thing of is the one next to the pool, just a few feet away from me. It's in the yard and that's really not helping since Logan always join me here -or the other way around- and we fight to get under the water, shoving each other off with our hips. Yeah… not helping…  
I just hope, cause I know Logan's still looking at me, than he doesn't think of peeking under my waist… argh, and then again, I'd love him to… But… yeah, not only with his ey-… STOOOOOP !!  
Mind of the gutter, Dick ! Fuck !! No !... No ! _Not fuck.._ That's the point. Diiick, get with the program ! … argh ! Don Lamb doing a strip tease. George Bush lap dancing me. Wu in a leopard bikini. I can't help the chuckle at that point.  
Suddenly, Logan is propped up on his elbow, staring at me with a grin. His body is casting a cooling shadow on mine. "Now, what's up ?"  
I smile, despite myself. I point at my head. "Nothing dude. Just picturing horrible things. Loads of fun."  
"That's odd dude, I only do that why I try to hide a hard on…" Guess who taught me the trick. "Anyway..." he licks his lips, as he always does when he's thirsty. Yet, it's like I'm seeing it for the first time. He grins at me, getting up. "I didn't know it was a hobby for you."  
If only you knew, Logan. If onl-.. shit, why did I watch him go to the bar, huh ? Why did I have to see his fucking…… awesome ass ? OMG… I try to think of ugly things again, but I can't… Instead, I let out a growl of frustration and let my head fall back on my towel. Only to find my fucking brother grinning down at me.  
Shit. I forgot he was coming home. He raises a sarcastic brow at me. He sighs. "And they call _me_ Beaver !" he shakes his head. "At least I'm not a wuss."  
And suddenly I'm on my feet, I see the fear flashing in his eyes. I'm on my feet and I'm fuming. Just like that. Because I want to prove Beav -and myself- that I'm not a wuss, I do the most stupid thing I've never done. And shit I've done plenty. I turn around and I yell at Logan.  
"Dude, I've got that fucking problem. You're all I can think about. I think I want you." Then I turn to Beav and give a self-satisfied-sarcastic smirk at his stunned face, before letting myself fall of balance in the water. I help the groan when I fall flat on the water and the pain sears my back.  
Just when I hit the water, realisation dawns and I consider the idea of drowning myself.  
Fuck, did I just came out to Logan ? Yup.  
Does it suck ? Yup.  
Will my bro never let me hear the end of it ? Yup.  
Have I just lost my only true friend who's not an annoying cute Beav ? Yup.  
Do I have to come up for air ? Yup.  
Life's a bitch.  
I gasp loudly as I emerge again, and am surprised not to see Cassidy staring down at me, sneering. No, instead there's Logan, two drinks in hands, handing one to me, raising an inviting brow. Maybe he hasn't heard me ?  
Who am I kidding ? I bellowed so loud that probably the neighbour heard. Oh, fuck… what if they did ? I settle my arms on the edge of the pool and push myself up. I note it's the same way Logan does and it makes his back muscles roll.  
I stand up, and my pal's rather smiling. I take the glass. Bourbon. That's hot. -I'm talking about the drink, for once. Since his dad died, he inherited the all vineyard's contents.- Logan doesn't look like he's gonna hit me right now. Maybe I should enjoy this moment.  
I glance around. "Where's Beav ?" Logan sits, I mirror. "He took off. Said he was going to celebrate the first time his big bro had balls." I smirk, disgusted -my baby bro is patronising me- and sip at my drink. I even think I growl. "How nice of him." Logan chuckles. "Come on. He's cool. He totally loves you."  
I frown. He snorts. "Dude, he comes pick you up all the time we're both trashed and cannot stand. He's doing your homework."  
"Not anymore." I point out pertinently.  
"Well, it's still something he does for you." Yeah, I have to work by myself. And I know once I get into it, I can do it without so much pain. You couldn't guess how weird and comforting it feels when your little bro -who pretty much is a genius to you- tells you that you're smart. Logan has this thing of making me feel guilty about the way I can treat him.  
"I know. I think I'll go talk to him." I say. And honestly I want to do it. I love my bro. As I said earlier, I don't really know how to show him that. At least, with I'm it's rather safe, he's not gonna laugh at me. Maybe.  
Logan smiles, and suddenly I'm proud that I did something good. Because someone noticed for once. He taps my arm and speaks. "So, about what you said-…"  
I cut him, because hell I don't want to be given the brush off. I got it. That's cool. I shouldn't even have mentioned it. "Forget it."  
I look quickly away but not fast enough to miss the hurt in his eyes. I don't really understand it. Logan is always hurt when I don't open up to him, but for once I'm sparing him a not-so-fun talk -and to myself, as a side note. He shifts and returns to his lying position. The sun as started going down and I noticed that the shadows are longer. That's maybe why I'm cold.  
Or maybe because Logan's face is closed. God I hate this. I hate when he's not talking to me. I hate that it makes me feel so weak because all I have is him, my bro, and my sluty step mom. I hate it when I'm so freaked out that he might leave me alone.  
I'm about to talk to him when I see my bro striding through the living room. I get up and race after him. "Cass !" he looks at me, surprised I'm not calling him Beav, probably. I reach for my jacket, and toss him my keys. He looks down at them. Pff, like he's never driven my truck before. Maybe it's just odd for him now because I'm not drunk. "Take good care of my baby."  
He smiles, I know he was about to take the bus since his car's broken. "Thanks." He looks past me. "Should I take this as an invite to stay away a bit ?" I smirk, I can feel my face melt down. "Come home when you want, bro. Just make sure you bring some tequila back. I think I'll need it." "Oh." Sometimes I feel guilty to be mean to him, because he cares so much about me. Like now. He's sorry. That makes me what to hug him.  
Instead, I shrug. "Hey, I have you. I'll live. Even without another real friend." He holds out his hand and we bump fists before he leaves, and I go back to Logan. He's been thinking, I can tell. He hasn't drunk, like he's waiting form me. I sit back. I sigh and look up. "Dude. If you wanna talk about it, it's fine. But… be cool."  
Logan shrugs one shoulder. "You know… It's you. I thought you didn't want to talk about it… So I figured it was just… something I'd forgot." And here, I have to say, I get the feeling I'm missing something. Like I'm back in class.  
"Huh ?" What the... ? "What are you talking about ? I just told you... and you thought I didn't want you to know ?" And here, I'm thinking we aren't talking about the same thing. He looks as puzzled as I am, so I rely on him, because… I might not be as stupid as people think, but I don't like to make my brain cells work so hard after five and an afternoon filled with shots of old, tasty bourbon.  
"I… You don't remember, huh ?" Logan asks me. Actually, if I don't remember something, that would explain a lot.  
"Wha-… Should I remember something ?" he grins slightly and gets up. I think I just entered the twilight zone when he turns his back to me and pulls down on the waistband of his shorts. I must look like I think he's crazy, because he is, right ? I wouldn't might him stripping, but I thought we were talk-…  
I gasp as I see something red, blue and turning yellow on his ass. "Dude, someone bit you ?!" Yeah, sometimes I can be so dumb that I state the obvious like it's some kind of freakin' rare talent.  
Logan chuckles, dropping back beside me. "Ah, yeah." He says, grinning hard. "That was you, mate."  
I choke, honestly I do. I look at him and just stare. "Huh ?" He sniggers again.  
"So you really don't remember ?" he raises his brows. "Two weeks ago ?" The party that messed with my brain.  
I frown, trying to gather the few memories I have. "I think I blacked out after…" I frown. I remember the 'shake it' part, apparently there was a sequel and I was dying to hear about it, and oh, yeah… "Gia kicked some guy's balls because he tried to grope her."  
Logan laughed. "_That_ was good. But you missed out on a _huge_ part." I grin, wondering what exactly was 'huge'... cause now…  
I feel hot. I think I'm fucking blushing right now. I'm being such a girl. "Well, want to tell me a little about that part or you cherish the memory too much to share it ?" I joke, because it's all I can do or be mean when I'm not comfortable.  
It's so quick I don't even see it happening. He's on me, straddling me and I'm lying on my back instead of on my side like I was a second ago. His mouth is hovering over mine and he grins. "They say touch works better to trigger memories."  
I swallow, hard. Yeah... I'm hard. Sure thing. I croak. "Well, we should try that, shall we ?"  
I feel like my heart his going to explode. Thankfully, I've got a ribcage, if I hadn't one, I'm sure it would. Logan is freaking kissing me. And all I had imagined in my life, about him or about anyone else, isn't hardly as good as his lips against mine right now.  
I gain motion and I respond, and his legs slide down against mine so he's lying on top of me instead of sitting there. His hand shifts to my side and I reach for his hair. God, I like mine, but his hair just rocks. I know it's totally girly, but I'll ask him about his shampoo because its scent is totally erotic.  
He pulls away, and I'm relieved to see he's as flushed as I must be. "Man, it's even better when you're sober !"  
I chuckle. Ok, I have a bad crush on my bff and I don't know when it happened. But I can't help giggling like a girl every time he smiles at me like that. Like I'm… his.  
He rolls off, but we're still very close since the deckchair is build for one person and we're note exactly the skinny type. He's pressed against me and I absolutely don't mind. Cause it's so cool. And now I know he's hard too.   
Picture my evil grin.  
"Did it trigger a few flashes ?" he asks cockily, reaching over me to take his drink back, sipping.  
"Actually no memories. But flashes, yes. Ideas." I grin and take a sip at the glass he's holding for me. Some amber coloured liquid runs down my jaw line and my neck. Fuck, he's licking it. That bastard planned this. I can't breathe and I grip his hip as he's fucking licking at my neck.  
I gasp, pulling at his shorts helplessly. I don't even know what I'm doing. "Logan .."  
He looks up, kissing me softly before allowing me to speak. "What?"  
"It's ah…" I'm just committing virtual suicide here. "… a bad idea."  
He frowns.  
"Here. I mean. Being here." Logan's eyes lighten. "Kendall's gonna be home soon and Cass'll too."  
He grins, pinching a nipple in a way that makes me arch against him involuntarily. "A bad idea ?" He bends and suck at it just a second and when he pulls away the feeling of loss washes over me. "So bad it's good ?"  
I chuckle. "Hey, that's my line !"  
He pulls away, smiling. And we wriggle to get out of our stuck position. We sit, both grinning. And he's brushing all his side against mine. "Ok. You're probably right." He looks over my head and sniggers. "You should crown yourself as a seer, dude. Here's Beav."  
"Cassidy." I correct, without thinking. He kisses my shoulder.  
"Right. Sorry."  
I turn and see him, and again I wanna hug him and tell him all my love form him. I'm not incestuous, but look… he's brought back three tequila bottles. My guess he got them from Weevil again since he looks a bit dazed -his hair must smell like weed right now- and the hooch's is our favourite brand. Weev's brand. The guy has the best teq ever. Someday I'll tell Logan about that.  
I wave him over and he smiles at us. "Cass, you rock." I tell him. He smiles harder.  
"So, Logan. You staying for dinner I guess ?" instead of sending me a knowing look, he jerks his chin at the darkening sky. I know that from his room the sunset is awesome right now.  
"Yeah, I am. If your brother's not kicking me out." He pushes me. I push back. We're so childish.  
"Guys. Stop. You're almost giddy. That's creepy." He points his thumb above his shoulder. "Wanna go upstairs with me or stay together... like alone or something ?"  
Logan and I exchange a look. "It's cool, little bro. Get the x box tuned and I'll grab the glasses."  
Logan follows me and grins as he opens the freezer. "I'm taking a whole salad bowl of ice cubes because… I'm so playing with them tonight."  
I have a shiver remembering last time I played with ice cubes.  
We climb up to Cass' room and we take turn playing against each other. It's harder to kill Logan now that he's brushing his arm against mine every time I try to place a killing move. "Dude, that's not fair." I hiss, but I know I'd sulk if he wasn't skin close to me.  
I finally kick him, I swear I'll make it up to him later, Cassidy smirks and we pause the game. I pick up another ice cube and roll it on my tongue. Just like my bro's doing. I guess it's a Casablancas thing. I glare at Logan when he scoffs at me. "You like non alcoholic beverages ? I thought you'd require ice cubes made with brandy."  
"Here's a thought." Cassidy points out, grinning, opening a teq bottle. He turns to pour liquid in our glasses and I lean against the bed behind us. I close my eyes a second, but they fly open again.  
Logan is pinching my arm and holds out a foiled wrapping. I grin. Wide. So… baby bro's doing the tango too, huh ? I glance at Cassidy. He's still pouring drinks. Unaware.  
"Dude, how are things with Mac ?"  
He snorts. "Oh, it's not Ghostworld now ?"  
Logan grins at me. "Duh ! That Enid chick was totally hot anyway."  
I can tell he's surprised. "Ah. Yeah. Ok." He shrugs. "Things are good."  
"I see." I say. And he finally turns to see what I've got on my palm. He turns pink and snatches it away quickly.  
I chuckle, tapping his shoulder. "Dude. It's cool. You joined the club."  
"Which one ? I'm having sex now. I'm not gay." He said handing me my drink, eyes narrowed.  
I raise a finger. "Yet." What ? I always thought he'd be the one, you know ? And if _I _am, he so _has_ to be.  
He growls and we drink. Fifty minutes later Kendall calls to say dinner's ready. Which means 'delivery's here'.  
Once we're done, we play a little more, Logan teasing me as I loose lamentably against Cassidy. Of course, _someone_ as running his fingers on the small of my back, just on the sweet spot on my spine. But when he's playing he looses too. Why ? Oh, well… he keeps wriggling and giggling like girl because he can't stay straight -ah ah- when I run and ice cube on his spine. Weird, huh ?  
Then Logan suggested a movie, we went to the hi fi room because of the surround sound. I wondered what was up with Logan making the sound discreetly even quieter every two seconds, but now I get it. And Dude, Logan's a freaking genius.  
Cassidy has fallen asleep -he was completely high and drunk, anyway- and my pal is totally kissing me. And, shit is that his tongue ? Aw !! He kisses me good and deep, and it's not sloppy at all. He's on my lap again and I can't tell he's as turned on as I am. "Fuck, shit… Logan.." I know I'm babbling. So ? If you knew his kisses, you'd do the same.  
He chuckles and pushes my arm -that was grinding him to me- and slid his hand between us. I groan when he presses on the bulge in my pants. He grins in my neck, his breathing as even as mine is, which is… not.  
"You still want me, then ?" he whispers, darting his tongue against my skin at the end.  
I try to be coherent. "Big time, dude."  
He catches my lips again. "Good. Cause this time I'll make sure you'll remember."  
I shiver in anticipation. Man, I'm not emo or anything, but I know why I always loved lovin', you know ? It's awesome that now I can ask Cassidy about that too.  
I grin at his sleeping form and I throw a blanket over him. I turn to Logan. "Then, you should call Donut and make it a sleep over. He's gonna be happy he can have his own Blonde hottie over and we'll find some stuff to do."  
He wriggles his eye brows. "That's right." Apparently, he's more comfortable than I am with this. Remembering probably helps. He makes his call in the corridor, speaking quietly, and I watch my bro sleep for a moment. Until the door opens again and a hand slides in mine. "Hey." He breathes out, careful not to wake little bro up.  
I follow him to the door. When it shuts, I look up at him. Why am I so freaked out ? "Ah... the other day… Did we… erm…" I think I'm blushing again, dammit. Thankfully we haven't turned on the lights since we're just out of a dark room.  
Logan chuckles. "We just… sort of made out." He grins at me. "You did…" he grins even wider, almost laughing at me again. "I don't even know if that was a hand job or a blow job, but hell… that was good !"  
I glare. "Bite me !" He grins again. And I remember I'm apparently the one that bites. "Ok, that was a bad use of the term. But… you're kidding me, right ?"  
He pulls me closer my hooking his fingers in my belt loops. "Who knows…. Who knows…"  
I just kiss him back, wondering if I should freak out. But his lips, dude, his lips ! I'll freak out later.  
He drags me by the arm and I can't help smiling goofily, trailing after. I don't know what's gonna happen now. I'm jumping off a precipice and I'm sure it's gonna be the best freefall ever. I trust Logan on that.  
Tonight things are going to happen that might make me wake up a bit lost tomorrow. I think I'm totally going to fuck with my bff and I can't help grinning at the idea. I can't honestly care right now, but maybe it makes me gay. That's not that bad… at least I'm not a wuss.

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I hope you liked. If you have a Livejournal, mine is http://adja999. . I'm going to post my stories there from now on, and probably still here. Just so you know… So you choose where you wanna read me, if you want more.


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